Monday, June 25, 2007

Confession

Sometimes at night, I lie awake on purpose...

...to look at his peaceful sleeping face

...to listen to the sound of his breathing, and him rubbing his feet together that cute way he does

...to lay my hand on his cheek and feel the warmth of his face, and (if he's still somewhat awake) to feel his muscles pull his lips into a smile

...to notice all those details of his presence...of his alive-ness.

I pay very close attention. I feel the absolute need to burn these things into my mind as deeply as possible for the approaching time that I will need to be able to close my eyes and pull them from my memory. I feel like if I absorb the details as much as I can, maybe they will seem more real later on.

And I try hard not to worry that this time those memories will have to last me 15 months or longer. And I try *really* hard not to wonder if they will have to last me forever.

4 comments:

Suzanne said...

Aww, hugs to you Carol.

Tammy said...

Carol - {{hugs}}. I do pray that these moments that you are engraving into your memory will bring comfort to you in the future. I will also pray that you will have many more years to engrave similar memories into your heart and mind.

birkelbk said...

Carol, I pray for you and what you're going through. I can't get to you for a hug IRL, but here's the next best thing (((hugs))).

Kim said...

Oh I know that feeling! I kept smelling him over and over... I'd bury my face in his neck. It has been 6 months and I try really hard to remember that scent... but sometimes I cheat and open his aftershave up to waft towards me. ;-)