Sometimes at night, I lie awake on purpose...
...to look at his peaceful sleeping face
...to listen to the sound of his breathing, and him rubbing his feet together that cute way he does
...to lay my hand on his cheek and feel the warmth of his face, and (if he's still somewhat awake) to feel his muscles pull his lips into a smile
...to notice all those details of his presence...of his alive-ness.
I pay very close attention. I feel the absolute need to burn these things into my mind as deeply as possible for the approaching time that I will need to be able to close my eyes and pull them from my memory. I feel like if I absorb the details as much as I can, maybe they will seem more real later on.
And I try hard not to worry that this time those memories will have to last me 15 months or longer. And I try *really* hard not to wonder if they will have to last me forever.