Sunday, December 18, 2005

Blocked!

Well, I'm working on a Circle Journal for my friend Kelly. The circle is almost complete and all the journals are 1 or 2 entries away from arriving back at their homes, but I've been holding hers up longer than I ought to. *hanging my head in shame*

Aside from the fact that Kelly is a sweet friend and I want to do a bang-up job for her; aside from the fact that I idolize this girl as a scrapper (even before she got famous); aside from the fact that her journal is a total work of ART and everyone else's entries are stunning and insightful--aside from all that, the topic is "Defining Moments." I have a few to choose from. But the one I've chosen--and which she also nudged me to tackle--is the one I'm in right now. If you don't know what that is, just scroll down a few entries in this blog, and you'll see it's my husband's deployment to a combat zone. I'm smack in the middle of a defining moment right now, and it's my faith that will bring me through it and determine what about me this moment will define in the end.

But it sure is hard to write about! The page is pretty much complete, but I need to add the journaling. And I'm blocked! I have things I want to include swimming in my head like the school of fish in "Finding Nemo"....skittish little things! As soon as I settle on one and begin to form it into words, it zips away and defies containment in my little journaling box. It might be lack of sleep. It might be not seeing the forest for all the trees. And it just might be that my mind is so clouded with the emotion of it all that I can't pin it down enough just yet.

I will come through this defining moment just fine, with the Lord's help and good friends to lean on. And I WILL finish this assignment, which is helping me work through the current struggles. But, I am going to have to put the journal in the mail with my pages still blank, and finish them here while the journal continues on in the circle---maybe with the pressure of holding up her journal relieved, I will be able to wrestle it down and write it out.

I don't think it was an accident that her particular journal came into my hands at exactly this time. It could have been one of the more light-hearted ones, but it wasn't. I think this is something I need to do, and I'm glad for it. But I don't want to rush it and do a half-hearted job, just so I can send it on its way. I believe in scrapping from the heart, with emotion and passion and openness. I want to be real and raw and transparent. But to do that, I still need the words! ;)

4 comments:

Dawn said...

Oh how clear and concise your words are. They choked me up. I could picture everything you were talking about. You write beautifully.

Cheryl said...

Carol have you ever thought of using what you have written here, for your circle journal, you got a way with words but I think you may be trying to out think yourself. Just feel it!

Rach said...

Wow girl, your entry (s) is like reading a page from a book. YOu've got a way with words! I like Cheryl's idea. Maybe take this post and use it as your journaling. After all, it's the struggle of the journey that is just as important as the hindsight.

Bonny said...

yep, I agree with the others! lol you really are an amazing writer and I love reading what you wrote! although you do make me cry a bit! ;)